I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I believe in your delicious
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
