its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
