omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
