So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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