I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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