I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Bring me that man meat
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
