He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
