Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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