I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
