Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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