i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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