Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
