How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
