One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
