He uses pillows to masturbate.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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