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I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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