He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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