sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
