I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
