worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
