Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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