I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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