Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
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Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend