I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
