I faked an abortion last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich