I faked an abortion last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
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Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....