the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Randomize
