Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.