The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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