Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
