I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
