I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
