He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Life is so much better after having sex.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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