Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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