I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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