i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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