i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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