i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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