Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
