You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
