I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
