I wanna bring you to show and tell
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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