I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
