I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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