Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
