were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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