He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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