Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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