Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
