That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
