sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
