bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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