I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
