The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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