Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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