Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
