I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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