i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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