If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
