You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
