Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
