I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
