mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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