im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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