everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
