we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
