I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
