all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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