I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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