that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
