He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
