I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
